Comedian Don Rickles would have made a great nun

Those who survived Catholic School have a special bond

I always felt Don Rickles would have made a great nun. He had all the natural qualities that a great nun possesses. He had the innate ability to stand up in front of an audience and, one at a time, pick out individuals to berate. Nuns do it all the time.

Rickles can abuse someone with personal insults and make the rest of the audience laugh. So can nuns. Rickles could walk around a room and have each person hold his breath, afraid of being singled out with an onslaught of mockery and derision. Nuns have been doing Ricklesʼ routine for generations.

All Rickles would have to do is learn to slap, tweak, pinch, chop and gouge, and his repertoire would be complete for nunhood. Of course, there would be the problem of converting to Catholicism, and becoming neutered.

There are still some people out there afraid to admit that the nuns were lunatics, somehow fearing that they may be thrust back into time, forced to endure the wrath of a nunʼs retribution.

Well, Iʼm not afraid. Not any more, Iʼm not. Take a look around you. How many nuns do you see on the loose? Most of the truly dangerous ones have been rounded up by the authorities, or the militia, or vigilantes, quietly in the night, and whisked away, I suspect, to some home for wayward nuns.

Nuns are on the endangered species list now, and many former Catholic School kids like me rejoice in that fact. I say hallelujah!

Those who survived Catholic School have a special bond, and it was the nuns that served as the glue. We look back on our school days fondly, knowing that we suffered and endured proudly, in true Catholic fashion. Catholics admire nothing more than oneʼs tolerance to pain and suffering. Being able to laugh about it later is what makes it so worthwhile.

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Folks who never went to Catholic School certainly have heard the stories about the parochial-style teaching methods employed by the nuns.

Those who casually cruised through public school may come to think of Catholic School more like walking the plank of a pirate’s ship.

The book begins by comically explaining the prison-like reputation of Immaculate Conception School and the ignominious image of its nuns.

We laugh at each nun’s personality characteristics, and the conflicts that arise between indentured students and the diabolical Sisters.

“I DON’T BRAKE FOR NUNS!” delineates the day-to-day struggles that students encounter under the hyper-scrutiny of the nuns, all while being molded by a Catholic-style education.

From the pugilistic prowess of the nuns to the joys of recess, the book reminds its readers how comical it was to be young, innocent and over-disciplined by ultra-uptight convent-dwellers.

The book explores the “Catholic Guilt” treatment, and the anti-social relationships between students and teachers.

“I DON’T BRAKE FOR NUNS!” also describes the student’s point of view of the religion and the hypocrisy, showing that even children are perspicacious enough to understand the complexity of a Catholic-style education.

In the end, it’s discovered that some favorable human traits can be attributed to the nuns, after all. Surprise, surprise!

Catholic School: Like Walking the Plank of a Pirate's Ship!